Looking through my eyes

Why doesnt the world just let you be happy?

sevenishy — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 14:40:20 +0000

Everything, once again, was goign GREAT. I was excited about going to Florida (even if it meant seeing my mil), we were getting 1800 back from income tax, there was no stress. But ofcourse no one should be happy for long. Yesterday I went to check the mail and I saw a thing from our previous apartments. Apperently they think I owe them $718! While josh was cleaning he forgot to throw away Ji-Ji’s old litter box (Ji Ji, was my cat who i loved. & had for 2 months then I got pregnant & Josh gave her away) so they decided to “test” the carpet for cat urine (which I dont think is really possible). So now I have to pay for them to replace the carpet. I am beyound pissed. I mean if they didnt have a $300 pet deposit in the first place I wouldn’t had to hide my cat. I hated these apartments so badly. They were always working on the hot water, there was 1 mantiance man for the whole complex. There was two & that one gave me the creeps. Those people didnt give a rats ass about anyone but were always willing to get pissy if you ask for anything extra. Heaven forbid they actually have good apartments. They sprayed my apartment 4 times because ants kept coming in from everywhere. Crickets too!

They just dont want to have to pay for the carpets to be re-done themselves so they had to find osmething wrong with it to make me pay. I will make sure I tell everyone who I know NEVER to rent from them. They are crap!!! definatly not owrth the 513 I paid a month & not worth the 718 they want me to pay now!

ps the flordia trip is cancelled!

a life lesson

sevenishy — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 00:12:56 +0000

Today is really dumb. A complete waste of a day. This morning we had to wake up early ~~because~~ people were coming to look at the apartment and write down the condition of it. Then they re-installed new locks. Woo! (not that I really care)

Josh has been sleeping for 2 1/2 hours. Which means he’ll wake up late tonight and want to stay up all night. then tomorrow when i want to go to the other apartment to clean hes not going to want to get up because he stayed up all night and early morning.

Im not in the best mood today (incase you can’t tell from the tone of the keys typing). Last night was a pretty upsetting night. Josh & I were laying on the couch together watching “Bones” and the starting moving his mouth on my stomach (nothing sexual if you were thinking) and I starting crying. It felt like when he would talk to David. He’s supposed to still be able to do that. Im supposed to be complaining about swelling ankles and feeling unpretty because I’m 7 months pregnant. Im supposed to be in Houston celebrating Christmas with my family and Josh’s family and everyone is supposed to be expecting a new member of the family in Feb. I am supposed to be getting the “game” room set up to be a nursery. nothing is like its supposed to be and I get so angry when I realize it. It makes me so angry when I hear people complain about being pregnant (even though I did it) or complain because they have a baby and it stops them from doing what they want. I would do anything to have my son back. I would do anything to have another baby on the way. not to replace david because no one and nothing can. But I need this empty place in my heart to be filled that only being a mother can.

I guess I am a little selfish because Josh is still hurting and isn’t ready and I fight with him about it. I also dont even know if I have something wrong with me that would make me lose another baby. the whole time I was pregnant Josh didnt want to get excited because he was scared that something would happen and it did and so hes gone back into hiding. Everyone else wants me to have another baby and tells me that josh should understand my side… but I should understand his. I truly believe that I am being selfish but, even though I realize it doesnt mean that it changes anything. Why can’t I have what I want?

i dont knwo what happens when people die, but I’d like to think that david sees how much his mommy and daddy miss and love him. But it still doesnt help and nothing ever will.

I dont understand why if Josh wants to be a dad so badly but he isn’t willing to try. I understnad that hes afriad and that “the chances are slim” but all he sees was the changes were slim and it happend. But I dont want him to be like that. I kinda want him to just say… ok lets have another baby. And we would appreicate this baby so much. I wouldn’t complain about the morning sickness or anything.

Sometimes I get upset at myself because at the begining I didnt want a baby and was compaining all the time. Sometimes I would get sad because of all the extra stresses that we were going through because we had a baby on the way. Maybe he could feel those times that I didnt really appreicate what we were given. So I made a promise that next time I would appreicate the baby and pregnancy. And if the next one is a boy, I will not pout because its not a girl. I will be happy that the baby will be healthy. I will take my stupid prenatal pills everyday, eat healthier, do the stupid pregnant exercises, do everything to show that I appriecate the baby.

Other times, I know there is nothing that I could’ve done different. That everything i did is what most pregnant women do. And that I shouldn’t be upset with myself becaue i couldn’t stop it.

Today isn’t a good day for me. Everyone please understand… I do not want anyone who has my number to call asking me if I am ok and telling me its ok. I am just writing how I feel and I am letting myself cry, I dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. What I want people to take from this is… appreicate what you’ve been given because you dont know when it will be taken from you. If you have children know that there are poeple in the world who would give anything to have one, so love them and dont complain. they are a blessing.

I was just going to make this private because these are a lot of my feelings that I dont really want to share with the random people who come to my site (and yes i see who you are) but, I want people to appreicate what they have. Maybe they will learn from me.

selfish?

sevenishy — Thu, 21 Dec 2006 15:49:07 +0000

So for over a month I have been upset about the loss of my child and the loss of the motherhood that I do not get to experience anymore. I am still upset that I will not get to watch David grow and no child will ever replace David to me. But, I want to be a mother. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I can remember. Josh is scared to try right now. Hes still upset about everything. Then, I havent even been back to get a test re-done that will show if my blood clots more than a regular persons which would have been the reason that my son is no longer with me. Even with all that, I still want to try to have a baby. Its hurting me more because not only did I lose my son but I lost my dream. Obviously I can’t make Josh give me a child because he controls all of that. Its not that I am trying to replace David or what he is to me. But I have this need to nurture something and I can’t and that is what is bothering me.

Then, what if my test shows that I am positive for that condition, am i selfish for wanting to try to bring a child into this world that may never make it or might have some mental/pysical problems?

after pt…

sevenishy — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 17:15:49 +0000

So I was all for Josh coming home in the morning after PT showering and hten sleeping with me till it was time for him to go back to work. That ofcourse was before I realized that he would come home, shower, eat and then leave. In the mean time of course he has to wake me up. Luckily I was able to go back to sleep. We decided that he wouldn’t be comin ghome after PT everyday. i have to unpack today and i dont think its fair. I did ALL the packing and now i have to do ALL the unpacking. Which I guess is fine but not really. Oh well…

Lost & found

sevenishy — Wed, 20 Dec 2006 03:49:33 +0000

A while back my friend Nikke had one of these and told me that I should get one and write in it. So i did. That was half a year ago. I stopped writting in it because I totally forgot about it with everything else I had going on. Then she told me again that I hsould get one… then I remembered hey… I already have one. So here I am again. Last time I wrote, I had a kitten and I was pregnant. Well I dont have either anymore. I burried my son (he was a still-born) and we gave our kitten away because she was really mean. Josh and I live in a whole new place now. We aren’t completly moved in, still have somethings left in the other place and I have tons of cleaning to do but I think i can get it done. Christmas is coming up soon and I will not be spening it with my family like I am used to. this year it will just be me, josh, teal and Chris. My brother came here and is staying for a while. Its pretty exciting. Well I just wanted to do an update, and I will be writing more now that I remember that I have one… till next time

A little about me

sevenishy — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 20:54:52 +0000

Well since this is going to be all about me, I thought that I would write a little entry. My name is Courtney Smith, and I am 18 years old. I am married to a US soldier named Joshua. We have a kitten named Ji Ji (G G) and I thought that it was going to be just us 3 for a while. But, I just found out that me and Josh are expecting our first baby. I have a xanga, and I have a myspace but, I think this would just be a little bit more personal than both of those.